What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 05:04
I never cut or harmed myself..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was seconnd youngest,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
(And it was in our own minds.)
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I dreamt my mother had died and I cried so much in my dream. What does it mean?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why are you a Muslim? Why is it Islam for you and not something else?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She married twice! .
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She found it foreign!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
What topics are okay with you in comics and what topics should be totally off the table?
She loved him until the end.
Im still living with it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My life is so biszare .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My family never makes their pension either.
I write beautiful poetry .
It was going to be , some day.
Would this be the day?
One cannot live in the past .
I will be 64.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I waited trembling.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What did i know ?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But, we were locked up after school.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I couldn’t, believe it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ive learnt so much.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I think the readers, may guess!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was very sick at this time too.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it wasn’t much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I could never make a relationship work though!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We all went to grammer schools
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He knew the spot.
Was to survive, this bastard.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Especially a lifetime of it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is soul school!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I said to her
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I have no regrets .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Put me off passion for life!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i do to all so called friends.?
So whats the point in blame.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And i lived it daily.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
All the time i was locked up.
I was 9 years of age.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I don,t even have a pension.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
When she asked me how she looked .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So, i spoilt her more .
We were not on the streets..
Who then, do I blame.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was scared of men, in general
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .